Thursday, May 17, 2012

Fifty on Fifty (Shades of Grey)

Disclaimer: This post is for those of you reading or who have read the "Fifty Shades of Grey" trilogy.  It is not to be viewed by anyone who holds me in high esteem.   However, if you read my blog frequently you probably don't anyway, so go for it! If you are related to me by marriage, pass me in the hallway at work or don't know what "100 Proof" means you may also want to abstain.  You have been warned...

Monkey Momma's Fifty Musings on Fifty (Shades of Grey)

1.  Two people can have conversations consisting only of muttering.
2.  No woman should ever allow a man to pull her blue string.
3.  Chins can sustain a lot of abuse.
4.  .... so can other body parts.
5.  O's can happen upon your partners demand ?!
6.  Addressing your spouse/partner/submissive or dominant as Mr. or Mrs. is just creepy.
7.  Never distract anyone heading to the rest room at a masquerade ball- you never know what kind of business they have to take care of.
8.  This guy should not play Christian in the Fifty Shades of Grey movie.
9. Relationships should not involve contracts.
10.  "Fuckery" is a pastime, but is not acknowledged by spell check. 
11.  Never pee before sex.
12.  Lawn boy and sex slave= two for one deal
13.  Always wear your Walmart skirt to important meetings it could lead to a life of wealth and luxury.
14.  Hire people to wash your butt plugs.
15.  Never check any of the books in the trilogy out of the library.  You don't know where they have been.
16.  Ties do not only adorn necks.
17.  Don't touch anything in an elevator without rubber gloves.
18.  Drunk dials can get you far.
19.  Women with inner goddesses find stalker behavior hot.
20.  Morning breath, shmorning breath!
21.  Doctor/patient confidentiality covers sadomasochism.
22.  Spend the night with a guy you hardly know after a night of drinking and vomiting and turn him on by using his toothbrush the next day!
23.  Set your hard limits right away.
24.  Fur gloves are not just for mascots.
25.  Virgins love rough sex.
26.  Never enter a bedroom painted red.
27.  All indecent proposals should include clothing, waxing and food allowances- a girls gotta live!
28.  What is vanilla for some is chocolate fudge brownie for others!
29.  This song should be on the soundtrack.  
30.  Sit on your hands if your palms are twitching.
31.  Stop isn't good enough- pick a safe word.
32.  Asses can be trained.
33.  In relations to cars, fucking can be used as a verb and an adjective.
34.  Riding crops are not just for stables.
35.  No Birds and Bees nearby? Hit up the hardware store.
36.  Do not buy your mother this book.  
37.  A piano can hold the weight of two people.
38.  Breast feeding has got nothing on nipple clamps.
39. The writing in these books is more painful than the sex.
40.  Thought that guy at the coffeshop was gay? Nah, he probably just doesn't want to share his dominant lifestyle with you. 
41. Some torture with whips and chains while the rest of us go to work to get our fix.
42. This should not be an audiobook.
43. Correct grammar and excellent writing are not needed to be a New York Times Bestseller.
44. Mental casting the movie eases the pain of doing laundry and scrubbing the toilet.
45. Lip biting and eye rolling are punishable offenses.
46. The books need a warning label.  
47. Vampires and werewolves are so 2005.
48. To do lists should include googling submissive and schizophrenia.
49.  Always clean your plate, but you can waste wine or ice cream!
50.  What turns women on at 22:  Wealthy, control-freak bad boy who likes S&M
       What turns women on at 32:  A man who brushes his teeth before kissing you in the A.M.,  puts
       his dirty clothes in the hamper and doesn't complain about your book light keeping him awake
       because he is too busy snoring over on his side of the bed. 

Now that I wasted my day coming up with 50 thoughts on the book I am going to link up with the hangout grid at yeah write. At least then I know some of the awesome bloggers there will read my  mindless banter....


  1. Haha! Haven't read it and at 29 not sure I'm old enough to read it ;) lol

    1. Just be prepared to Google some of the terminology- I did!

  2. I haven't read it yet, but after your 50 musings, I think I want to. Or do I?

    1. Oh, you do! It leads to some very interesting conversation with your girlfriends...

  3. I laughed out loud at the audiobook bit. And I haven't even read the book.