When is the last time you slept? Oh, last night you got a full 8 hours? Well la-di-da and freaking congratulations. While you are feeling rested and refreshed I am walking around in a zombie-like state with dark circles under my eyes that leave me looking like I got in a bar fight. Wait? Bar? Did someone say bar? That sounds lovely, except if I went to a bar that would mean I would have to take a shower, get dressed and put on makeup. Frankly, I am just too stinking tired for all of that. Instead I will sit here in my Sporty Spice getup (elastic waistbands are my friend) sipping wine from a Dora cup while avoiding any shiny, reflective objects in which I may see myself. "Sipping wine, Monkey Momma?! It's only 9:15 AM!". Well, I like to keep you guessing. Maybe I am, maybe I am not......but do you really think I am naturally this funny?
6 weeks in and Ms. S has started to show her personality. She is a happy baby with the most infectious smile.....until she wants to eat or sleep. Time to eat and she is screaming like a banshee. Trying to fall asleep she is not happy unless she is snuggled up to you like a pig in a blanket. Now, this is not atypical of a newborn and I am not complaining. D, well that kid is brimming with three year old personality. Thank God three only lasts a year. She wakes up no less than four times a night with some urgent need. For example: "My blanket is wrinkled." "My bandaid fell off." Really, the sensation of a freaking bandaid falling off woke you up?!? Tomorrow night it will be, "I can feel my hair growing!" at 3 am. I LOVE these kids and I thank them for the blogging material they have given me. The dark circles and scrambled brain? Eh, not so much. Lack of sleep has led me to do some ridiculous, embarrassing things over the past few weeks leaving me to question my sanity. Luckily, we all need to be a bit insane to raise children and I am right on track.
Monkey Momma's Moments of Mental Instability
1. Mailing thank you cards the other day I could not remember which side of the envelope to put the stamp on. Seriously, I held the stamp over the right then the left side eyeing it up and trying to determine where it looked correct. Maybe it was so hard because I could only hold one eye open? After making what I felt was the appropriate choice, I was lucky enough to be able to peel the stamp off the left side and put it on the right without ripping the envelope.
2. Taking the girls out the other day I checked no less than 7 times to make sure I had them both in the car. I just kept feeling like I was forgetting something important, you know, like a kid. Fortunately, I did not forget a kid but I did forget a nipple on the bottle which cut our trip short when Syd decided she was hungry.
3. When said nipple was forgotten I did wonder if I could use a straw to feed my newborn but stopped myself.
4. I forgot how to get to my house. I really did. Driving home the other day I made a wrong turn in my neighborhood. Where the hell was I going? I have no clue but we took 2 wrong turns and the scenic route through the neighborhood. D never even realized as she was belting out Harry Belafonte in the back seat.
5. During a marathon feeding of Syd I found myself listening to Bonnie Rait. Who the hell turned on the Soft Hits DirectTV music channel and why was I listening to "Black Velvet"? Was my mom controlling the remote from a hidden spot in my house? My only saving grace is that it wasn't Honky Tonk Tavern because that would be reason for intervention.
6. Waiting in line at Wal-Mart (the place where I fit in unshowered and makeup-free) I see this guy checking me out. He was under the age of 60, had all of his teeth and wasn't wearing overalls so I was all for it. "Yeah, Monkey Momma!", I thought feeling thoroughly impressed with myself. I go home and look in the mirror to assess the fine specimen known as myself only to make a horrid discovery. A. trail. of. spit-up. From the shoulder down the back of my black shirt. The only way that guy was checking me out was if he has a sick fascination with crusty, regurgitated formula and should be on an episode of My Strange Addiction with the guy who makes out with his car. Syd's digestive system: 1 Self-esteem: -6
7. I wrote a grocery list that read like this:
Stuff to put sandwiches on
Way to go, Einstein! Did you mean bread? I heard you can even by that stuff pre-sliced now!
Now that you are concerned for my mental health I am off to drink my 3rd cup of coffee, replace my Diet Coke IV and play with Sydney. I don't even have to rock her thanks to the caffeine jitters.
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