Friday, August 10, 2012

I Heart Carbs

Text conversation after a few weeks of a neighborhood weight loss challenge:

Good friend, neighbor, co-worker, fellow wino and dieting competitor: Dieting sucks!

Me: Dude, I just devoured a piece of bread like it was birthday cake.

Good friend, neighbor, co-worker, fellow wino and dieting competitor: You should definitely write a blog about dieting and use that cake line in it.

**This is a rough recollection of the conversation, if nothing else I know it involved cake.  

So, here we go....

Fat dimples and chubby cheeks are only cute on babies.  Both have been staring me back in the mirror since Sydney's arrival thus leading me down the evil path of dieting.  Dieting has as much allure to me as a Taylor Swift, zero, nada. Nonetheless, its a necessary evil unless I want to invest a small fortune in the rubber bands I have been using to "button" my pants.

Monkey Momma on dieting...

1- While tasty, veggies don't taste like potato chips, cookies or wine.  I don't care how much you tell me kale chips are "nice and crunchy", it is not the same and you cannot fool me.  You are talking to the girl who dipped Doritos in Cheez Whiz as a kid.  The powdered cheese and fried corn combo of a Dorito wasn't enough, I needed the extra kick of "processed cheese food". 

2- Slow and steady is not my style.  Just get it the hell over with.  I am damn impatient and 1 pound a week just pisses me off.  If I don't eat ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner and I leave the Cheez Whiz off my Doritos, give me what I deserve!  I find minus 10 pounds to be a fair trade off. 

3- Alcohol is awesome!  We all know it, I was just brave enough to say it.  Bad day? Have a beer! Relaxing on the deck? Pour a glass of wine! Celebrating? Shot time! I don't need alcohol to deal with the day to day- it's just an added perk.  Unfortunately it applies itself directly to my lower abdomen upon ingestion and then sits there like a slug.

4- Low carb has been the most successful diet for me.  Bacon and cheese are awesome but I also love carbs.  Carbs love my muffin top and my ass.  I know this because when I eat them that is exactly where they hang out.  Curse you, Dr. Atkins and ketosis.

5- Elastic waistband detox.  Months of pregnancy and postpartum in elastic waistbands has been awesome.  Back to work next week and 5 pounds away from my goal weight and I must give them up. I DON'T WANNA! (Feet stomping and hands on my hips.)  They are damn comfortable!

As I head back to work carb-free, five pounds away from my goal weight and wearing my button top pants I think I will pack some Cheez Whiz in my lunch....and hope "Good friend, neighbor, co-worker, fellow wino and dieting competitor" meets me there with a slice of cake (or bread)! 

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